OCCUPIED COUNTRY

Show Me The Way To Amarillo B and Q

The phone rings.

"Hiya", it's Dearest, "I've had a small bump at B and Q, I'm alright but the passenger door is all crumpled in".

"Are you sure you're OK?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. It was two Asian lads they've offered to pay for the damage".

My heart sank. Offering to pay for the damage up front? I'd say they were uninsured without a shadow of a doubt. More was to come.

"They say they only bought the car this morning and when I asked them to exchange details they said they didn't have their insurance details and, wait for it, they can't remember where they live. I've phoned the police".

"Are they still there?" I asked, fearing the worst.

"Yeah, that's the odd thing, they're sat here calmly waiting for the police to arrive".

Now that's strange. It's obvious that something's wrong here yet they're happy to wait for the police. These are strange times we live in and strange behaviour like this sets the imagination running wild. Had dearest just had a minor accident with an Al Qaeda cell? Were they wired? Had they decided that a member of the police force, when he arrived, would make a fitting victim - along with Dearest and a few DIYers as they embraced eternity and their promised virgins?

I shot off up to the store and when I arrived another acquaintance of theirs had arrived. Older and agitated he was constantly chunnering in his native tongue to the other two. It had been an hour and a half and still no police. I phoned them back.

Turns out they had attended a completely different B & Q and assumed everyone had fucked off home out of sheer boredom. No doubt another successful crime "solved" for the statistics. The control desk re-opened the call and an hour later a copper appears and immediately gives us the "Customer Care Course"-inspired apology for the mix up with such precision we all got the distinct impression it was a speech he had given many times before.

Eventually the copper gets the driver of the other car into the back of his police car and questions him vigourously. After 20 minutes he emerges to tell us that he is now under arrest on account of giving false names and false addresses.

While the questioning had been going on, Dearest tells me that just before I arrived one of the guilty party went into B&Q returning with a woman who swore blind she saw it all and Dearest was at fault. She claimed she didn't know the lads but she had asked them directions to B&Q earlier and they had been kind enough to show her the way and that's why they were there.

So, they can't remember where they live but they do know the way to B&Q? Also, they meet a woman for the first time ever and then an hour later are able to walk into a crowded store and recognise her within minutes?

Bizarre.

I kept coming back to the "why didn't they drive off" scenario. They stopped when the accident occurred, they gave explanations (however implausible) as to why they couldn't provide details. The car wasn't stolen (we found out later) so the bloke who owned it could've said he'd been driving. If he was insured the police wouldn't have bothered setting up a identity parade for such a minor misdemeanour surely.

Bizarre.

Later, the copper phoned us. The lad had never been in trouble before and had lied simply because he wasn't insured. He's up before the beak on Wednesday morning.

Meanwhile I have to fork out excess and lose my no claims.

Bollocks.

"Could've been worse though," said a bloke in the pub later.

"How?", I replied, "How could it have been worse?"

"Well, any one of them could've exploded at any minute".

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And then it did get worse. City are signing Darius Vassell.