OCCUPIED COUNTRY

Lookin’ For The Heart Of Saturday Night.....

I went on a stag night on Saturday. I know its an odd night to have it – Friday being traditional for such things – but Saturday it was. Fortunately I didn’t have to fork out serious money in order to go to Dublin, or some other magnet for piss-ups, but, after sampling the delights of Oldham’s nightlife, I wish I had.

The night started as we all met in a local pub on the Manchester/Oldham border. We ordered a mini bus to whisk us up to the town centre and, three-quarters of an hour later, it arrives. As we’re getting into the minibus a scrote in trackies and Rockport’s starts hurling verbals at the mini bus driver. His not-quite-as-pissed mates drag him away. As we drive off he’s trying to kick the bus and screaming obscenities at us. The driver refused our entreaties to stop the bus while we got off and did our bit for society. But I must confess to an absolute and utter hatred for the little prick – and I don’t even know him. What do the likes of him contribute to society ? Anyhow – no doubt before the night was over somebody would be taking great exception to his manner...........

First stop Weatherspoons where we meet the soon-to-be-groom and the rest of the motley crew. 4 deep at the bar and 3 bar staff !! Classic. Drunken groups of girls and blokes getting increasingly brassed off ‘cos they can’t get served. Bar staff becoming increasingly fractious. Atmosphere becoming distinctly uncomfortable.

Our party started to wander off group by group to the next pub with the eventual aim of going to a lap-dancing bar. Not my scene that ! Probably very nice, but not at £10 a time plus entrance money.

So I was able to sample the delights of small northern town on a Saturday evening with a few of the others who decided lap-dancing wasn't for them

It was like the wild west ! Groups of scantily clad girls with corned beef flesh staggering from pub to bar to pub. Pausing occasionally to stick their tongues down some equally plastered bloke's oesophagus. The main road through the town was impassable because gangs of drinkers are stood in the road – leaving their glasses on the floor when they’d supped up.

To say the music was ‘banging’ would be to describe it accurately ! Every bar we went in was exactly the same. A DJ would be screaming into microphones and cranking the sound system all the way up. Eventually it all got too much for me and, around 11:45 I decided to go home.

As I’m walking along Oldham’s main street a double decker bus arrives and suddenly about 200 kids all start shouting, screaming and running towards the bus ?? I later discovered that this was a free bus to a nearby trendy nightclub – that was probably just like the bars they had already left and full of the same people.

The local paper (Oldham Chronicle) has been printing editorials expressing the need for the town centre to be a more welcoming place on a weekend evening. They are of the opinion that an older clientele needs attracting in order that Oldham becomes a byword in sophisticated entertainment. Not a cat in hell’s chance of that. For a start off the fact that the centre is so compact forces everyone into a smallish area. Because it’s the centre, that’s where all the bars and pubs are situated so that’s where everyone drinks. That’s why its like the wild west: One street where everything happens.

Manchester – by contrast – is bigger obviously, and the nightlife is spread over a larger area. Its also more defined. You have your Oldham type pubs and clubs, restaurants, quiet piano bars, traditional pubs, the Gay Village, the student areas etc., all in fairly separate areas. On top of that its nearer to where I live, costs less in a taxi and I’ve never felt intimidated there like I did in Oldham last Saturday.

Sophisticated entertainment ? My arse !